Sunday, October 27, 2013

Can I Fall Back On You?

I sat perplexed within the cozy folds of my blanket, wondering how hard it was to actually not trust someone from the core of you heart and not build any walls around you. I casually flirted with my thoughts, as they bluntly reminded me how I was obsessed with trusting people. I never really mean to do so.. Every time I meet someone new, I recall my past mistakes and swear on my life that I wouldn't fall into the traps of trusting someone again. But that thought passes, eventually, and I trust.. AGAIN.
I've been betrayed to a level where people expected me to turn into a cold hearted grump, assuring me that they'd be there for me even though I'd start building the strongest walls around me. But I think I kind of surprised them.. and myself.. because I just couldn't NOT trust the next person who walked into my life.

Instances like these make me introspect all the time. I curse myself for being so naive, for letting people in without a second thought, for allowing myself to be swept away by the kindest words and later realizing the harsh side of that particular individual. But then I also give myself the benefit of doubt when I think of how strong headed I can be, how bitter people don't affect me after a point of time, how I pick myself up even after the darkest of storms and jump onto a rainbow to follow the path I think I deserve.
I'm like a Nicholas Sparks novel - I believe too much, love too much, give too much, fear too much and think too much but in the end, things may or may not turn out how I want them to be. I don't require people to cover me like a blanket, I just expect them to be like the SOUND of a crackling fire on a harsh winter day - reassuring. Which basically means, I don't like being entirely dependent, just the thought of knowing that I have those particular people who will protect me, is enough for me. 

 Honestly, I have a strong need for affection, it's like the need for a drug, a very strong one. I can't imagine living my life in a place where I have no one to kiss my cheek everyday, hug me when I want to be alone and talk to me till the wee hours of the night.

I'm not particularly proud of this need, just blessed because I know that people who'd actually do this for me, do exist in this world. Again, reassurance - that's my way of living life. It's the force that pulls me up every time I fall down - reassurance about who I am, what I'm capable of, what I've achieved, what my goal is, who I have around me, and even who I don't have, because, well I don't need them and it's kind of reassuring to know that they're not within a close radius.

Okay. Enough venting.

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