Can I Fall Back On You?

I sat perplexed within the cozy folds of my blanket, wondering how hard it was to actually not trust someone from the core of you heart and not build any walls around you. I casually flirted with my thoughts, as they bluntly reminded me how I was obsessed with trusting people. I never really mean to do so.. Every time I meet someone new, I recall my past mistakes and swear on my life that I wouldn't fall into the traps of trusting someone again. But that thought passes, eventually, and I trust.. AGAIN.

I've been betrayed to a level where people expected me to turn into a cold hearted grump, assuring me that they'd be there for me even though I'd start building the strongest walls around me. But I think I kind of surprised them.. and myself.. because I just couldn't NOT trust the next person who walked into my life.

Instances like these make me introspect all the time. I curse myself for being so naive, for letting people in without a second thought, for allowing myself to be swept away by the kindest words and later realizing the harsh side of that particular individual. But then I also give myself the benefit of doubt when I think of how strong headed I can be, how bitter people don't affect me after a point of time, how I pick myself up even after the darkest of storms and jump onto a rainbow to follow the path I think I deserve.

I'm like a Nicholas Sparks novel - I believe too much, love too much, give too much, fear too much and think too much but in the end, things may or may not turn out how I want them to be. I don't require people to cover me like a blanket, I just expect them to be like the SOUND of a crackling fire on a harsh winter day - reassuring. Which basically means, I don't like being entirely dependent, just the thought of knowing that I have those particular people who will protect me, is enough for me. 

 Honestly, I have a strong need for affection, it's like the need for a drug, a very strong one. I can't imagine living my life in a place where I have no one to kiss my cheek everyday, hug me when I want to be alone and talk to me till the wee hours of the night.

I'm not particularly proud of this need, just blessed because I know that people who'd actually do this for me, do exist in this world. Again, reassurance - that's my way of living life. It's the force that pulls me up every time I fall down - reassurance about who I am, what I'm capable of, what I've achieved, what my goal is, who I have around me, and even who I don't have, because, well I don't need them and it's kind of reassuring to know that they're not within a close radius.

Okay. Enough venting.

You're Not Who/What You Think You Are.

You might walk around like you own the city and fill the air with the sound of your teeth chattering gloriously about the latest piece of clothing in xyz store and who did what to whom, but that doesn't make you a genius. You might have a shot after shot of some disgusting tasting spirit and fall around the dance floor, shouting(singing) your favourite song, but that doesn't mean you're happy. You might rest your head against a pillow and switch your phone off, wanting to be away from the materialistic world, but that doesn't make you content. You might talk to everyone you know, discussing the latest dirt-filled words about someone who you despise for no reason at all, but that doesn't make you superior to others. Boys might fall at your feet and hold you like they'll never let you go, but thats just usually when they're drunk. You might snap at your friends for all the things they say and then apologize with words dug out of cupcakes and macaroons, but that doesn't make you a good friend. You might be there for your friend 24 x 7, but you also might pull her down just to tower over her, and that definitely doesn't make you loyal. You might walk with you chin up and head held high after a night of disasters, but that doesn't mean you're okay. You might flirt with him and text him all day, but that doesn't mean you love him. You might think you're the most popular girl walking the streets of your city, but that doesn't mean you're loved. You might have a million friends you forgive you for the mistakes you make, but that doesn't mean you're respected. You might think you're perfect with all your self made popularity and attention grabbing tactics, but you're as perfect as the Congress. You might cheat on your girlfriend and flirt around, but that doesn't make you macho, in fact it makes you downright disgusting. You might get a girl pregnant but you might also leave her the next day and that makes you a filthy coward. You might have a thousand friends who follow everything you do, but that might just mean you're intimidating.
You might just feel like this is about you, but then again you might not.

life is quite uncertain, isn't it.

Till we meet again.

SO this is it. 2 more exams and I'm done with my first year at University. This month has been the most depressing one, considering how juggling exams along with other responsibilities is a big big pain.

It sounds cliched every time, but I swear, time just flew by. It only seems as if yesterday I walked on the streets of this beautiful city, clueless and apprehensive. But truth be told, I can probably map out most of the city for you now, considering that my sense of direction may have increased just by a minor percentage. I really wish I'd done a lot more this year than just.. nothing really. I was too lazy to commit myself to any societies or volunteer or even blog for that matter. I spent hours exploring the city and just hanging out with people, which I feel was important too. The only thing I actually regret, is not studying enough the whole year but oh well, who is the queen of procrastination? Yeah, me. yadaaa yadaaa yadaa. As long as I pass with decent marks, this semester, all will be well. But next year, OH NEXT YEAR, i'm so ready to battle with time to fit in all the things Ive planned to do. So basically, I have to study from the beginning ( LOL I said that every year in school and no I never really did that), join all the societies I'd wanted to be a part of ( they have a HARRY POTTER society with a Triwizard Tournament and all, how cool is that? ), prepare myself for the big numeracy test (YUCK) for the Cardiff Award programme that I was lucky to be chosen for, build on my CV, spend less money (never happens. NEVER) and just be a lot more committed to the stuff that actually matters to me. Let's just accept it, clubbing and partying every second day, is not my thing. I mean, not all the time. Believe me, there's more to just partying in the UK, for all those who think otherwise. You have to be here to believe it.

Honestly,I couldn't have asked for a better first year. It feel like I've finally detached myself from the Delhi womb and trotted into the big, bad yet beautiful world. The past few months have been a roller coaster ride for me. I learnt to live without my family and unfortunately  lost my grandfather who was the most special and important person in my life. I found myself being broken into a million little pieces coated with pain and humiliation and then fixed and iced with love and friendship. I learnt how people always leave and that you need to be true to yourself to be accepted by others, because people always talk. There were times when I just wanted to pack my bags up and run back home but luckily, I found some amazing people who turned every tear, every frown into a big, goofy smile. Controversies, drama and tears became quite a common phenomena. There were fights and make ups and lots and lots of love, all combined together. All I can say is, I learnt so much from every person I met here and for all those who gave me so much love everyday. You all are my home away from home and there's nothing I can say or do to thank you enough for being there all the time.

Anyway, NOW. I have THREE WHOLE MONTHS of SUMMMMER. Oh the Sun, how much I missed you, you big ball of fire. I don't care how hot it is back in Delhi, I need some vitamin D, really. So this is it, three months of home, my best friends,my bed, good, healthy food, laziness and NO responsibilities. Totally looking forward to every bit of it.

It's true, there's no place like home.


Here's a glimpse of 9 amazing months!

Holding On.

He held her against her, trying to calm her down. Her overwhelming sobs filled the room like an eagle screaming on top of it's prey. There was anger in the hot tears that poured down her red cheeks and she struggled in the cocoon built around her by his arms. She was in two minds - a part of her wanted to run away, away from the pain, and the other? The other wanted to stay there, to listen to his calm soothing voice, whispering words of love in her ears. She hated herself for being so weak, for being so vulnerable and at that moment, she knew. She knew that she hated the fact that she couldn't hate him, at all. The only place left to escape from, was not the room, but the pain and the anger that had filled her enough to choke her. It wasn't easy. She shivered as a myriad of bitter memories gushed into her head, admonishing her heart of the past, making it difficult for her to do anything about the current situation.

There was a fierce battle going on between her heart and mind and neither was ready to give up. A battle so fierce, that it could pass for both the World Wars, combined. All she wanted to do was shut herself out, from everyone, lock herself up, run away, scream, shout... something.

Slowly, she looked up and gazed into his eyes, startled at their dampness. She froze for a moment, unable to say anything and reluctantly brushed her thumb against his wet cheeks. Magically, all the broken pieces coalesced, into something fragile, yet stronger than before. Ironic, I know. But only they knew what it meant. She held him close, hoping to let go of the tension that had drifted them apart for a few hours. It wasn't going to go away anytime soon, but she knew it would because every time, they came out stronger than before and every time, her heart overruled her mind.

Later that night, the room had a mysterious tranquility about it. One could here their occasional sniffs and rustle of her hair against his crisp shirt. She wanted to say so much, words that would break him, words that would stitch him up, but each time she tried opening her mouth, a voice told her to stop, to succumb to her vulnerability and to forgive, whole heartedly. For her, his love meant so much more that the mistakes he'd made. To her, he was her universe, her entire life.

Maybe, somethings aren't always perfect, maybe our mistakes are what stop us from being that perfect person we're so capable of being. But what's life without a handful of mistakes and buckets of pain?

Maybe if we learn to forgive a little more and love a little more, the walls that stop us from doing so will come crashing down, and before we know it, everything will make sense again. So love a lot, hate less, and accept you other half with everything you've got because they're worth more than just a handful of heartbreaking mistakes.

From Jan to Feb.

Hi guys!
For those of you who asked me to update my blog sooner than this, here's a biiiiiig apology! Im back in Cardiff, and university life doesn't really allow me to blog so frequently. In between all the lectures, tutorials and other stuff, I hardly ever get time to think and write down my thoughts. Like now. This is most definitely not my typical kind of post but hey, I'm still going to rant on about what I've been up to lately. And for all those of you who think Im always online on Facebook, SHH, Im not always facebooking you know, the tab is just always open :P
Anyway.
The first few days after coming to college were crazy. It took me 3 days to completely unpack because I, the semi-blonde that I am, thought that bringing all my summer clothes would be the best idea. But my room is TINY! and the cupboard can't accommodate my winter and summer clothes. As a result, my room is ALWAYS in a mess because I keep throwing clothes on the floor while fishing for clothes in my cupboard. Sighh. And then FOOD-biggest problem of living in a self catered accommodation. Thankfully, my mum insisted on packing a few eatables for the initial days so I didn't really have to cook. Kind of regretting bringing more clothes than food ( my best friend better not be reading this) but it's okay, Im managing well enough.
I'm so happy to be back. Cardiff already feels like home. I have my homesick days but then, I asked for it :P I love college, I love my professors and tutors. They're so nice and welcoming. As long as you do all your work, they dont care about whatever the hell you do. And the support here is wonderful. They do everything to make sure you're understanding what they've been teaching, even if you email them 10 times a day, they reply with a solution. So I'm pretty happy with my decision.
I get weekends+Fridays off, which is cool but then being a law student, I have tons of work piled up for the week and I procrastinate a lot which, sigh, I cant do anything about, anymore. I've given up.
SO YEAH, whooop -di- do.

ITS FEBRUARY. God, how much I love this month.
However, what I can't understand is why people are so ajfbjwef about Valentine's Day. I dont get how being single sucks so much. IT DOESN'T. Been there, done that. + where in the world does Valentine= mean a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, why can't we just dedicate one whole day to people we love from the bottom of our heart, even if it's our best friend? Seriously, being single doesn't stop you from celebrating love. I love this day of the month and the days before it. My heart literally melts when I see old people queuing up in shops to buy gifts for their spouses, it makes me believe in forever & when young people (punks/guys who look like they can't commit) have conversations with their friends about what to gift their girlfriend, and even when some people buy cards saying I love you, mum/dad. It makes me so happy to see so much love in this world. Being spiteful about a day that makes you want to believe in love is never really a solution to anything. Not saying that we shouldn't celebrate everyday like its V-day, but you get what I mean right ? Oh well, to each his own.
Also, it's my birthday month and my birthday gets me all excited like a 5 year old. I swear, I can never grow up. It's going to be a low key one though, because I lost my grandpa (read : favourite-est person) this new year :( and I dont really want to celebrate anything right now. But life goes on, he taught me that and I'm going to definitely follow it.
Then we have this event in college, called Go Global which represents the different countries and their people, studying here. So the Indian Society is putting up a little dance show and I'm going to performing on the 24th of this month! Im so pumped about it. Firstly because it's my first ever performance here and secondly, because I'm performing after like 6 months or so. I missed rehearsing as a team, coming up with steps, fighting over songs and all that, and voila- here we are again.

This sums about the last month and the current one. I had a good time back home. It felt amazing to be with the people I'd been missing like crazy over here. My friends and family made sure I was well fed and pampered before I came back here, haha. I'm also happy that I got to say goodbye to my nana and spend some quality time with him. Funny how things turn out. One day someone seems like the happiest,healthiest person and the next day, he's gone, just like that. I don't quite understand how this works but I wont dwell into it, either.
I should probably go to bed now. Got a lecture in 3 hours and I haven't slept a wink. No, I wasn't studying THAT much. I had to watch Pretty Little Liars and woah, what an episode. This show never stops giving me goosebumps. Can't wait another weeeek!!

Hope you all have a good February!
xxxx